Faith in Anxiety
September 30, 2021 • by Elizabeth Santelmann
I’ve always been afraid of Oklahoma storms. Every year I heard stories of children ripped from their mother’s arms, neighborhoods leveled, schools hit, and children killed. But season after season passed without incident, and slowly a callous began to form over this fear. Every year I would hear of storms, and each year it got easier to think “it will never be us.”
But one day it was…
My Worst Fears Realized
One night just as we were going to bed, the wind kicked up. At first it seemed like nothing, but moments later we heard a crash as an entire oak tree fell into our dining room. I can’t describe my panic as the power went out. I scrambled for clothes, ran to find my kids, and held them tightly as we huddled in a corner hoping it was safe enough to leave.
That night kicked off the hardest seven months I’ve ever lived. The next week our car stopped working. The next month I was diagnosed with a health issue that had caused secondary infertility for a year. The week after I started the medicine to help, I found out I was pregnant. Too soon we had to say goodbye to that sweet baby because I hadn’t healed enough for a viable pregnancy. The next month our house was broken into.
I cried often during those months. I wanted to have a testimony of how my faith had helped me through. I knew there were so many people who walked through harder times than ours. I spent my life reading their beautiful testimonies of faith. They would talk about how they saw God’s hand every step of the way. Stories like this made me cry as I read because I knew no matter what I faced we had a faithful God. But they also made me question my faith. Why couldn’t I see God working in my own pain?
Wrestling Through the Depths of Doubt
I was tempted to borrow from all the clichés and offer up a beautiful story of faith. I was raised in a Christian home. I know all the right words and could throw in some stories to make it really come alive. But my heart didn’t feel it to be true.
I wrestled with doubt and darkness. I daily battled anxiety that screamed, “What will happen next?” I was plagued with nightmares that left me sweating. Every time I got in the car, I battled fear that my children or husband would be taken from me. I spent time rocking and weeping in a corner, because NOTHING had turned out the way I thought it would.
Maybe you have found yourself in similar moments, as you’ve wrestled doubt, darkness, or anxiety. Maybe you too have balked in fear at what might happen next. Maybe you have struggled to believe that God is working in your pain.
Can we feel all of these things and still have faith?
I believe the answer is yes.
“Faith is knowing that God can create something beautiful from the ashes you hold in your hands.”
Faith Even in the Midst of Doubt
Because faith isn’t the absence of doubt, pain, and discouragement. Faith is knowing that even in the pain, God is working all things out for your good, and his glory. Faith is knowing that what we see and feel today isn’t our eternal destiny (Rom. 8:28).
Faith is letting go of the way your own story is written and allowing God to be the author of not only history, but your story. Faith is knowing that God can create something beautiful from the ashes you hold in your hands.
Faith is letting go of having all the beautiful churchy answers and honestly echoing Job in faith saying, “Even if he kills me, I will trust him!” (Job 13:15).
Even If… I Will Trust Him
There were many days, especially after we lost the baby, that I spent my children’s nap time copying those words from Job into my journal over and over and over, questioning if I really believed them to be true. I wanted so badly to believe that the answer was “yes.” I prayed each time I wrote the words that my faith would increase.
Gradually though, I came to realize that even in my wavering, Christ’s work on my behalf was secure and sure. He had already covenanted with me through his blood on the cross. Even when I didn’t know where I stood in my faith, he stood with me through my experiences.
“Even in my wavering, Christ’s work on my behalf was secure and sure.”
The Beauty of God’s Faithfulness
In Exodus Moses writes of the slavery of the nation of Israel, “And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew” (Exodus 24-25). God remembered his covenant.
Typically to create a covenant, two people vow to one another to look to the good of the other. The most modern form of this covenant is marriage. But in this instance, God alone made the covenant vows. This covenant was a work of God alone, given as a gift to Abraham. This covenant was a shadow of the greater work Jesus would do when he purchased our salvation. God formed a covenant with his blood through Christ’s death on the cross, making us his people. The covenant of Christ’s blood proves that just as God saw Israel in their trials, he sees us in ours.
Paul writes in Romans 8: 38-39, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
In our dark times God’s faithfulness isn’t reliant on our ability to feel faith, to understand God’s work, or to stave off our pressing anxiety. Rather, we can have faith and know we have a God who sees every tear shed during our dark nights. He hears our silent prayers and pleas for faith. He knows our hearts and the weariness that trials bring.
One day, maybe on the other side of eternity, we will look back and see the work he was doing in our suffering all along.
And even if today seems too dark to see that, you can still know that he is faithful. He sees you, he hears your groaning, and he knows your sorrow.
Elizabeth Santelmann is a homeschooling mother of three small boys. She loves reading and always has a large stack of books by her bed. She enjoys seeking beauty by taking photographs. And she started combining her photos with writing on Instagram. Her hope is to share what she is learning about gently nurturing and guiding our children toward the gospel with our lives and speech. Before marriage she worked for 4 years in children’s ministry. She has attended Heritage Presbyterian Church with her husband for the last 10 years. The past three years she has loved using what she learned about reformed theology and children’s ministry to write Bible lessons for her church’s VBS. You can find more from Elizabeth here!
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