ep. 38 | Singleness with Becca Harris
In lieu of the upcoming holiday, I decided to bring one of the coolest single ladies I know to chat about singleness. Happy Valentines Day, single ladies! Today’s guest, Becca Harris, is 36, single, loves Jesus, and is mama to two young men that she adopted out of foster care who are now 20 and 17 years old. Becca’s boys moved in when they were 14 and 11. They were 16 and 13 when she adopted them. Becca and I talked about everything from Jesus’ life as a single man to what it looks like to submit our desires to the Lord without shutting the doors on our dreams. Even if you’re not single, you’ll want to stick around to learn how we can love our single friends better, but beyond that, Becca’s story is an incredible one to hear in general, regardless of your current season. I’m certain it will stir your affections for Jesus and inspire you to walk in obedience to whatever He asks of you.
I walked away from this conversation inspired to happily follow Jesus in whatever it is that He sets before me. I hope you find Becca’s obedience to Christ just as inspiring as I do! This conversation is actually the second of five episodes we’re putting out on the topic of relationships. If you’re new, be sure to hop back to last week’s episode with Kim Vollendorf on Intimacy with God and subscribe to the podcast to catch next week’s episode on dating! To continue discussing relationships in light of the Gospel throughout the week, find us on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter! Thanks so much for allowing us to journey alongside you! Have a great week! We can’t wait to see you here, next Monday.
Can you tell us a little about who you are, what you do, and what your life looks like?
We often look at every aspect of Jesus' life, experiences, and character, but fail to consider the reality that Jesus himself was SINGLE! What can we learn about singleness by looking at the model he lived out for us?
Have you always felt accepting of singleness? Do you desire to be married? How can a single woman allow herself to want to be married while submitting this desire to the Lord? How can she fight for contentment in singleness without shutting the door on her dreams?
What might it look like to steward a life of singleness well? We often fixate on the challenges of singleness, but what are the perks/joys of being single? What can you do as a single person that married people cannot do or might find more challenging?
What does intimacy look like for you in your community? How do you feel known and how do people walk alongside you?
How do you gracefully navigate relinquishing the position of "best friend" when your closest friends are getting married and engaged?
As parents, how can we communicate about the future to our kids without giving them the impression that being married or having a family of their own is ultimate/expected?
For the engaged and married ladies, how can we love, support, and encourage our friends that are single? What are the practical needs of singles?
On the flip side, how can a single person love married people well? How can singles use their flexibility to bless other women who are married?
What are some of the WORST things someone could say to a single person? How can singles graciously respond to unhelpful encouragement like, "You'll find someone once you're content with your life as it is and where God has put you," etc?
THREE QUESTIONS I ASK EVERY GUEST
What 3 resources would you recommend for someone who is single or who wants to serve/love their single friends well?
What are 3 of your simple joys?
Who has had the biggest influence on your own journey with Jesus?
“Jesus was single. Paul was single. . .Jesus is our Lord, and when we look at Paul’s life and ministry, I don’t think we can say that either of them were lacking. If Jesus was lacking then our Savior is not sufficient. Paul was an elder in churches, starting churches, discipling people and sharing the gospel. I don’t think anyone there would have said he wasn’t qualified to do certain aspects of ministry.”
“Jesus says in John 10:10 ‘I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.’ He didn’t add an addendum there, that they’ll have it abundantly when they get married and have their 2.5 kids and are able to retire in the Bahamas. No, He says they will have life abundantly in Me.”
“Psalm 16:11, ‘You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures evermore.’ David is saying there that the joy is in God, not in your circumstances.”
“With most other things in life when we counsel people we tell them to see their job, house, spouse, etc. as gifts God has given you, but that’s not where you find abundant life. Often, for whatever reason, with marriage or singleness we tend to believe that lie more than anywhere else.”
“We really do have a High Priest who sympathizes with us and understands. When we say we feel alone He’s not saying, ‘Get it together’, He’s saying ‘Hey, I know. I felt that too, I remember looking at Peter when he said he didn’t know Me’. . .He was human too, I’m sure He had the same desire for intimacy that we all do.”
“He’s a good God who, in His infinite wisdom, is providing and giving me the best gifts that I need and I can trust Him.”
“As a single parent I find myself at times almost shaking my fist at the Lord and saying ‘if you’d just bring a husband. . .’ not just for myself but for my boys, for them to have a man in their lives, and I’ve so kindly felt the Lord saying, ‘Hey Becca, if that’s what you needed and if that’s what they needed, I would provide it. I don’t withhold good things. I don’t handicap you to make your struggle worse. Everything I do has a purpose, so entrust your soul to Me. Trust Me.”
“For a long time I wrestled with my place. Everyone in marriage gets to display God’s covenantal love...what do I display? I felt like I took a backseat and was missing out on something. . .I remember the Lord teaching me that singleness is a place for me to display His sufficiency.”
“Marriage isn’t the end all. Christ is the end all. . .Christ is my sufficiency.”
“Are you single? Then you are, today, called to singleness. You have to live today as unto the Lord, and where He has you, and not spend it in a state where you’re always longing for something. It’s okay to have that desire, you just have to lay that at the Lord’s feet.”
“I’ve had friends who’ve had days when they just don’t want to be married because life is hard. We would never counsel them to say ‘well, if you don’t want to be married then don’t be married today’. But with singleness we say if you don’t want to be single then God must not be calling you to singleness. You can’t flip that way, you have to believe this is where God has us and this is how we will live today and trust Him.”
“Don’t shut off the desire to be married. Ask. Pray. But hold it with an open hand, knowing God is still good even if He doesn’t give it to you or doesn’t give it how you wanted it.”
“Don’t fixate on (getting married) so much that you can’t move forward with what He’s given you to do now.”
“If you’re single you have the opportunity to serve the church in a big way.”
“It takes a village to raise kids, and what an opportunity for people who don’t have kids, who do have the flexibility in their schedule, to step in and help, whether that’s serving the church or families.”
“There was a lie I was believing that because my friends were married I couldn’t be as close to them, and God’s shown me over time that’s not true. They are human beings too, and there’s a way God has designed community to be close and intimate even when not in a marriage. The lie we believe sometimes is that as a married person they won’t understand my struggle as a single person or vice versa. . .but we can still pray for each other, speak the gospel into one another, and show up in one another’s lives.”
“It’s not wrong to teach your kids how to be a good spouse, how to care for one another, what marriage means, those things are all important. We just can’t paint marriage as the ultimate goal.”
“For me, everything I heard about biblical womanhood centered around marriage and motherhood. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized it has to be more than just being married and being a mom. As I’ve watched some of my friends who are married but struggle to have kids, they’re not any less of a woman because they can’t conceive and have kids. I think we have to be careful how we paint what biblical manhood and womanhood is.”
“You want to paint that the most important thing in life is to love God and love people. For most of our kids they are probably going to get married, but I don’t want to paint that as the promise or expectation somehow where they feel they came up short if they don’t.”
“As a parent, I don’t give my kids good gifts when they deserve them, they don’t get Christmas because they deserve Christmas, I just love to bless them and love to give them what’s good. It’s the same way with God. He’s not saying, ‘When you deserve a husband and get it together and trust me enough then I’ll give you one.’”
When People Are Big and God Is Small by Edward T. Welch
Not Yet Married by Marshall Segal (audiobook)
A Praying Life by Paul Miller
BECCA’S SIMPLE JOYS
Being active and being outside
Being with friends over a good meal and games
Connect with BECCA
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